On Altruism and Authenticity, with Mistrix Sade
In this conversation, the enchanting Mistrix Sade and I delve into submissive altruism and how to approach authenticity as a professional.
Please note that this is the 2nd part of a two-part conversation. Part 1 can be found on Mistrix Sade’s blog.
Empress Wu: Do you identify as a lifestyle player?
Mistrix Sade: Definitely. You know it’s interesting, I feel like there’s a lot of conversation where subs like to ask the question, whether it’s with me or other dommes, “is she lifestyle? Or is she just professional?” It’s a really funny binary. And why does it have to be a binary? How does one even define lifestyle versus professional? What does that even mean? I think it’s a really fascinating question. Just from talking to dommes with careers of all different lengths, it yields so many different answers that are all not just strictly fitting into that stereotype. It’s way more nuanced than that.
I’ve heard many groups of people use the term lifestyle, and I really felt that would be interesting to ask this question on twitter and see what kind of responses I got. And I got a really wide range of interesting responses, from subs, from other dommes, from other people who are non-pros who switched, so on both sides of the spectrum. And one of my inspirations for that question too was I was thinking about back in my early days as a pro-domme interacting with kinksters that weren’t in the pro-realm, using that word to self-describe as a sort of way to differentiate themselves from pros and as a way to elevate themselves above pros. Like, “oh, we’re doing this. We’re not doing this for money; we’re more pure.” Which I thought was such bullshit
EW: [laughing] I’m more virginal, because I’m a lifestyler
Photo by Lanee Bird
MS: I encountered that a lot at different play parties and circles where I started off. For a variety of reasons, that included, I kind of detached myself from the scene in Austin. It was a lot smaller, a very different vibe from New York, That was definitely one of them, I encountered that a lot. And on the flip side of that, I actually had a number of dommes who reached out to me privately who said, “hey, that was a great question. Thank you for posting that, and I was thinking about it a lot.” And their responses kind of echoed mine, in my feelings about it, where money isn’t a deciding factor. And to reduce it to simply money-yes or money-no seemed very reductive and not accurate to my experiences.
For me, I got invited into a session as a vanilla newbie onlooker who might participate, kind of vibe. I was in a position where that was more money for sure than I’ve been paid per hour ever. I will give that a shot, of course. And then I did it and then I found that it was really fascinating for me, aside from the money. And that was kind of my entry into things. And over time, I’ve just gotten more and more into playing with power dynamics and BDSM until where I’m at now, where I’m totally obsessed with it. And I think one person came up with this really simple description, where she said, “I don’t think it’s about money or not money. I spend 50-80-90% of my consciousness thinking about kink. Even if I’m getting paid for all of that or if I’m not, that doesn’t matter. It’s literally occupying the majority of my time. If that’s not a lifestyle, then what is a lifestyle?” And I thought that was really great, because it encompasses a wide spectrum of people doing this thing in very different ways that are all valid.
EW: It’s also funny because when somebody asks, “Is she lifestyle or is she professional?” I don’t feel like that actually has any impact on what a session will be like.
MS: Not at all
EW: It’s not related to the experience you’re going to have in any way. And you would never be able to tell. It’s interesting how the term lifestyle has evolved to be a business buzzword. This is not throwing shade to anybody who self-describes as a lifestyle player, but when [a professional] self-describes as a lifestyle player, you’re indicating that this is a level of authenticity in the same way that you can tack on the word “elite” and say “I’m an elite dominatrix” to indicate a note of luxury. But that doesn’t actually…
MS: Mean anything
EW: Yea. That’s just a word that we use.
MS: Yea. It’s just a marketing term.
EW: Yea. It’s when people describe their cheeses as “artisanal”. It’s like, “ok…” *blows raspberry*
MS: It has a psychological effect but it’s meaningless essentially. Yea and I think too about having talked with other dommes and talked about getting their kink needs met through their professional activities, and how those needs that are getting met are very real. And that’s something I find to be very true for myself. And that’s why for me, I very consciously try to emphasize that for me, the lifestyle and the professional are the same, in a sense.
“The fact that they are happily and joyfully paying for my time shows how much they respect me and care for me and my reality as a human being, not just me as a fantasy object.”
EW: They’re so intertwined.
MS: For me, being a pro-domme is my lifestyle. There’s the satisfaction that I get out of playing with my best clients is very real and deep. I get to do very fucking weird shit that I might go my whole fucking life not getting to experience with someone I found through some other avenue. And for me that’s something I’ve really come to value. And just because I’m getting paid to do it why would that make it less real, less authentic, or less part of my lifestyle?
EW: Or less altruistic, right? That’s so interesting. And that becomes an entire conversation about when money is entered into the picture, why does that make it less authentic? Why does that deride something’s authenticity? Something that that makes me think about is the idea of kink and queerness, and how lifestyle has been attached to, you know, “the gay lifestyle”. And just what exactly does that mean for that subgroup? Like how does that specific title imply a certain amount of choice or lack of choice, or a voluntary participation in a kind of culture? In one community it’s used this way, but in another community it’s used this way, and how it can be used as a derogatory term or a term to elevate the self above somebody else. But actually the kink and queer communities are so historically interlinked. So I think that was a really interesting question that you asked.
Photo by Mistrix Sade
I think that there is also, on the topic of fantasy vs. reality, I remember thinking about financial domination, and the overwhelming urge when I was a financial domme to front all the time and to throw my dick around all the time. And how at that time, I actually wasn’t involved in the scene in a really significant way. But now I’ve let those things go, and totally allowed myself to immerse myself in this as a lifestyle. But something that happened simultaneously is that I got really comfortable with having a conversation about money. Because suddenly, it wasn’t supposed to be my lifestyle. I didn’t feel pressure to engage with it. Now it’s something that comes along naturally with me spending the majority of my time doing this. And the idea that money is just a lubricant; money is just the thing that allows me to spend the majority of my time participating in the lifestyle I want to.
MS: Exactly. I was talking about this too with a sub of mine, and we were discussing the money vs not money thing. He sees it as a component of service. And we live in a world where money is required to do lots of things, and money is required to get this thing for your domme, or facilitate this thing that your domme wants to do, facilitate your domme living the life that she wants to live. It’s just a very basic tool. It’s really simple actually. But our culture has so many hangups about money.
EW: So many weird taboos.
MS: That’s kind of one of the liberating things too, about being a pro-domme and seeing subs who are paying you for your time is that it kind of cuts away a lot of the bullshit. I’ve had some of the most cathartic, intimate, real emotional experiences with subs that are serving me and paying me for my time. And the fact that they are happily and joyfully paying for my time shows how much they respect me and care for me and my reality as a human being, not just me as a fantasy object.
EW: I think that there are so many misconceptions about the fact that we are actually people. I’m not interested in seeing you unless you’re interested in understanding the nuance and complexities of the things that I want, the things I’m interested in, and where I’m interested in growing.
Can I ask what’s next for you, and what you’re grateful for?
MS: My big goal for 2020 is transitioning into creating porn in a more serious, committed way.
What am I grateful for? I think right now I’m grateful for the ability to speak honestly without fear. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, as to where I am now in my early 30s, versus where I was 10 years ago, and how I used to have a lot of hangups around saying what was on my mind without fear of repercussion. That’s something I invite other people to do with me too. And that’s what I want my relationships to be based on, is unfettered honesty.
Mistrix Sade is an NYC based Professional Dominatrix with nearly 8 years of industry experience. Deconstructive and experimental in approach, Her BDSM practice aims to facilitate holistic and transformative experiences.