On Humor and Humiliation, ft. Mistress Amalia Valentine

This Valentine’s day, I got to chat with fellow lovergirl and close friend Amalia Valentine about the role of humor and humiliation in kink, something sorely underrated in the BDSM scene. I’m so excited to share this glimpse into our friendship; I hope you find yourself laughing reading this as much as we did recording and transcribing. [Please note, this is the final half of a two-part conversation; make sure you read part 1 first on Mistress Valentine’s blog.]

Empress Wu: But it is a really huge shame that you and I haven’t really done a humiliation scene together.

AV: My dream is to get someone in a room. We tie them up,and start talking about all the ways we’re going to torture them, and then you and I just start doing our stand up routine while they can’t escape.

EW: “Hi Ladies and Gentleman, it’s such a pleasure to have such a beautiful audience here tonight.”

[blonde shrieking]

AV: They think they’re going to get their minds blown

EW: They literally have a gag in their mouth. “Who’s the dude in the first row? Tough Crowd!! Cat got your tongue?!”

AV: “You’re a little tied up tonight, huh buddy!” But I think it would be a good time. If you wanna laugh really hard.

two beautiful women having fun

EW: If you want to see two beautiful women having fun..

AV: Literally that’s what it would be.

EW: And to please them by encouraging them to have fun

AV: Exactly. It is service based.

EW: I literally think about that all the time! People always ask, “what’s a really meaningful act of service to you?” And this is what I think people miss; people do not give humor as service nearly enough credit. If you fucking making me laugh, you are at the top of my fucking list.

AV: I completely agree. Like a genuine, real laugh? Hell yea

EW: The first service submissive that I ever had was funnier than me. After that I just realized how significant, how important it is to have somebody who can make you laugh. Everything else, all the other skills, the attention to detail, all of that can be trained. But that humor element? Or at least a willingness to try that is so important to me.

AV: It's just chemistry. There’s definitely an element of chemistry

“People do not give humor as service nearly enough credit.”

EW: The funniest scenes I’ve ever done were humiliation scenes that spun out of control and my style of humor and humiliation in a scene is driven where I create a scenario and I start worldbuilding around that scenario.

AV: You “yes and” yourself

EW: I “yes and” myself. My Personal kink is Yes and—

AV: My safe word is Yes and—

EW: One time I did a scene with someone who wanted to be humiliated for being physically weak, and he *was* really weak. I told him, “if you can pick me up and carry me to the bed, I will let you fuck me right now.” And he couldn’t. And he was so mortified.

AV: That is literally the most motivating thing that you could tell someone

EW: Yeah exactly. I spoke it into his ear. I said, “if you can lift me an inch off the ground and can carry me ten feet to the bed, I will envelop your cock with my juicy gushy pussy right now.” And then he couldn’t, and I laughed at him, and I hopped on his back and started pulling his hair. And he moaned immediately. Just the feeling of being overpowered by a woman. He moaned and he had red hair

AV: Leprechaun style?

EW: No. I was like, “I am Remy, from Disney Pixar’s Ratatouille.” 

[blonde uproar]

EW: I was like, “I CONTROL YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH. ‘YES CHEF,’ ISN’T THAT RIGHT?”

AV: Oh my god, that is inspired. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.

EW: This is the funny thing about humiliation. When you first start the job, a lot of humiliation is about “You’re a stupid bitch. You don’t deserve me, you little worm.” Bratty mean girl type. And then as you get more into the scene you start to realize that humiliation is a little more complex than that. When I had that realization I think I turned away from humiliation for a long time. Because it requires a lot of skill.

AV: It does require a lot of skill! I think it requires a certain ability to read someone. A certain ability to really understand someone and what they’re insecure about.

EW: Yea what they find embarrassing, how they want to feel, whether they want to be in on the joke with you or if they want to feel like nothing.

AV: Yeah. Should you go too far? Should you not? I think the motivation is really important in your ability to read someone or when you realize what somebody wants. It’s a skill! And it’s hard. You have to be able to really care. And sometimes you have to know someone better than they know themselves.

EW: Truthfully. And it’s interesting–at this point in my career I have quite a few technical skills under my belt, and so it’s really a delight when I rediscover a love for something I did a lot at the beginning of my career. So I feel like after that series of sessions, I really rediscovered my humiliation voice. I think I stayed away from humiliation for a long time until I realized that humiliation can be so whatever makes me laugh.

AV: [With humor and humiliation] you make visible things that they want to hide, that they might find shameful. it can be subversive, it can be cutting, it can be joyful and playful. It’s so expansive and that’s what I love so much about it, that you can just get really funny and playful. That’s really beautiful. I just love laughing. Laughing with the girlies! 

Remember that scene we did where like 20 dommes humiliated that one guy?

EW: That was hilarious.

AV: That was so fun. It was also one of the first times…early in our friendship where I saw you and was like, “Oh, she’s on fire right now.” 

EW: It’s so true!

AV: I forget what you said. This was when [La Maison du Rouge] was closing and it was this one guy and literally like 20 dommes.

EW: Yea and I had heard about these sessions because a lot of my friends had been in them but whatever reason I had never been to one. The set up is 5-8 dommes show up at a time and they’re paid out, and they do 30 minutes-an hour. And this dude just jerks off onto a magazine

two beautiful women crafting a bit

AV: Literally it’s a magazine that’s like Jockey underwear or Fruit of the Loom or something so embarrassing.

EW: Yea and I had always been sad I had never gotten to go. I was always out of town or something and they just sounded like so much fun. It was a real delight to get to show up, especially to such a momentous one and to kind of flex that muscle and to bust my fucking chops. I was like “I am crafting a bit right now.”

AV: 100% you were on fire. 

EW: I think what I said to that guy….he was jerking off and he was bald and I think I was humiliating him for the fact that he couldn’t get off to anything normal and that he needed the fucking Sears catalogue to do it for him.

AV: Not even porn, just a knockoff catalog

EW: Yea, you embarrassing weirdo fuck

AV: The funniest thing is when you’re done with a session and you think of the perfect roast with the most perfect statement afterwards because now i’m like i should have called him perverted Mr. Clean. Or something like that.

EW: I think I called him…a frog? And then I compared him to Danny Devito falling out of the couch [from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia]

AV: There’s really nothing better than to hear other dommes laugh when you’re humiliating someone else. I guess that one thing I love about our community is that while some dommes are really serious, everything is just so fucking funny and we just wanna have fun. Girls just wanna have fun. And I do feel like “fun” is such a guiding principle in a way. Not to get all into hedonism but also I’m here to just–we’re all going to fucking die. I’m here to laugh as much as I fucking can.

I’m trying to get one of my submissives right now to take me to a strip club. And I feel like there’s something really fun about being in that environment and giving money to hot women but also wearing a stupid shirt that’s like, “i’m a stupid little baby” or something like that. 

EW: “I’M HERE TO GET FISH AND FUCK AND I’M ALL OUT OF FISH”

AV: “AND ALSO MY COCK IS REALLY SMALL”

EW: I would love it if he wore one of those shirts that were like, “MY WIFE IS A STRONG WOMAN

AND ANGRY 

AND SHE’S ALSO FROM NORTH DAKOTA.”

AV: “SHE’S REALLY SCARY

BUT SHE MAKES ME PIE

AND I LOVE HER VERY MUCH”

Just a total essay. On a tunic [blonde gasp, woman cackling]

EW: He should fucking show up to the club like scrooge. Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge. He shows up in a full nightgown and a nightcap and a little candelabra and slippers

[blonde guffaw]

AV: He’s shuffling through looking so confused. Honestly that’s great. But you know, hoping, dreaming, wishing. I guess you could say I’m an auteur

[laughter]

EW: I’m workshopping constantly.

AV: Never not workshopping. I am so obsessed with people that are so unintentionally funny. “What a beautiful and naive gift you have.”

EW: What a humor savant

AV: Literally. You beautiful baby. You don’t even know it but you’re so funny.

EW: This is the reason that I really love older clients. There’s a specific kind of humor that I can enjoy from younger clients, which is when they’re constantly workshopping as well, workshopping in a similar way that I am. Older clients, i think there’s something that’s really delightful and really absurd and really different from me, but I think in the way that it is absurd we really see eye to eye

AV: I think that you, at the end of the day, are kind of an old man

EW: I appreciate that.

AV: Yea, yea, and I mean that in a way where you can just get down and out with a 65+ year old man.

EW: I LOVE 65+ men

AV: I know you do. They have a special place in your heart. They are some of the craziest motherfuckers you will ever see.

EW: They really do! It’s so fucking true. I just have such a special fondness. I feel like we really get each other. Tell me all of your fucking stories. We’ll make it into something together.

AV: Sick…do you have any jokes?

EW: What am i a monkey??? 

AV: [clapping] Make me laugh!!!

EW: I actually do have a joke. So. Three hot girls walk into a room

AV: Can I be one of them

EW: Yes. You actually were one of them.

AV: This is my favorite kind of joke

[laughter]

“We’re all going to fucking die. I’m here to laugh as much as I fucking can.”

EW: One in which I’m starring! Three hot girls walk into a room. And they have a man strapped down to a spanking bench. His body is completely tied up. There’s an empty enema bag hanging over him. He cannot move. And it is brutal. They then take a hitachi, put it on his dick, make him cum into a bowl. It’s so fucking gross. And do you know what they do? All three of them piss right into that same bowl

AV: What?! That is so fucking crazy. I was not expecting you to say that

EW: They all fucking piss in the bowl! They then feed it into the enema bag and let the enema bag of their piss and his cum drain into his ass. And then they snip the tube from the bag, lower his head, and feed the tube right into his mouth. And he sucks that fucking enema bag right up. It’s so intense. 

He’s led to the shower, and as he’s about to clean up, he looks at the one who organized the session and says, and he says, “you know, there aren’t really a lot of other people in my life that I can do this with.” 

And she looks back at him and says, “Well with enemas like that, who needs friends?”

AV: Yes!!!!! And scene!

EW: And scene~!

Amalia Valentine is a queer dominatrix, disgusting queer pervert, and archivist dealing in pleasure, pain, and power (and I am lucky to call her a friend!)

If you’d like to make our dreams come true and be both the cause and recipient of our laughter,